Tomorrow is a big day in our family. My younger son, Kurt, graduates from medical school, after four years of hard work and years of working hard just to get there. I am not just full of love and pride — I am in awe.
It's Kurt's day tomorrow, but inevitably this morning, I have been thinking about what tomorrow would be like if Kris could be there. Kris, my older son, died of ALS in 2017, a year before Kurt was admitted to med school. If he were still alive, if he had never had ALS, he would be with us tomorrow, bursting with pride, grinning, five feet, four inches of social energy clearing the way for a taller, blonder but equally blue-eyed younger brother.
There were six years between them. When we found out mid-pregnancy that Kurt would be a boy, I did not think they would end up being such close companions. But in our smallish three-bedroom house they shared a room and bunk beds, close quarters with elbow-to-elbow seats in front of the TV screen, video game controllers at close hand. Kurt abandoned me from the age of three-and-a-half to tag after Kris, through a "club" under the pine trees on vacation, over the tall piles of dirt on our street when the sewers were replaced, at auto shows, in church pews, on Cub Scout field trips, in the backyard and at the park. Kurt's ambitions reached beyond imitating Kris: at baseball games, as Kris played in the outfield and stole bases, Kurt aspired to be the pitcher and brought his ball and glove to games so that he could practice on the sidelines. When Kurt became that big-kid pitcher, pitching the 5th and 6th grade team out of bases-loaded-and-no-outs jams, teenage Kris paced nervously behind the backstop, conferred with the coaches and tried to keep his cool. He had taken over for their dad, as Lon descended into dementia.
Kurt has his own stories of time spent with Kris in the years before his death. I'm only the mom, so it's best to acknowledge that there are things I don't — and wouldn't want to know. "Worth it" is the refrain. When Kurt was admitted to med school the person he most wanted to share the news with was Kris, who had died the previous summer.
There are new people in Kurt's life, including a girlfriend who is present in all his future plans. There is an abundance of old friends who will help him celebrate tomorrow.
There will also be a space, not empty, that I will hold — in my heart, always in my gut. Kris.
